As you may have noticed, the posts have slowed down quite a bit lately....It is mainly due to the fact that I have been working on this post for a while and just can't seem to get it perfect...so screw it, I must end my blogstipation now before things get out of hand.
I have this strange quirk (or psychotic tendancy) which causes me to silmultaniously crave and be absolutely horrified by social interaction. This quirk of mine manifests itself in many interesting ways, such as my intense fear of answering the phone, or answering the door, or doing anything with someone other than my husband in a one on one sort of way.
So, for example, if my phone rings, frst I will have a sort of mini-panic attack. Every. Time. Even when I know who it is. Even if I really like that person. I hate talking on the phone. It scares me to death.
I have this response to other folks phones ringing as well. Seriously. I am like Pavlov's dog. A perfect stranger's phone could ring at, say, the mall...and I will, just for an instant, panic.
Phone ring = panic attack.
If you are a person who tries to call me then you know this about me....because, you have to leave me messages all the time. And, usually, I email you in response even though I know that is rude. Beleive me, I know I have a problem. If you actualy do speak to me on the phone, please know that my heart is racing and that is why I am so freakin' awkward and talk so fast. If I call you...I have been talking myself into it for at LEAST 10 minutes.
Needless to say, I think the internet is the most absolutely fabulous amazing lifesaving thing ever. If not for email I would be a recluse....
Here's an interesting twist though....I really love to go out with friends! LOVE IT! Look forward to it for weeks. I am afraid to answer my damn phone and talk to all of you.. but, I really, really want to go grab a drink and chat for hours about life, and eat yummy food, and discuss books, and ...what the hell is wrong with me?!?!
Notice above I said friendS, plural, thats because I get almost as nervous about having to be responsible for an entire 1/2 of an evening's conversation as I do about the stupid phone.
This has nothing to do with the other person. It could be anyone, someone I have known my entire life. Doesn't matter. My heart will race. Palms get sweaty. Talk really fast. Mind won't focus.
The only person who doesn't have this effect on me is my husband...which was a pretty freakin' big clue that I should marry him! You don't have to hit me over the head.
So...the obvious diagnosis here is low self-esteem and/or fear of intimacy, and that would account for most of it, I'm sure. But there is somthing else. I am horrified of the "awkward moment!" Paralized by the thought of an uncomfortable pause in conversation, or, the horror, saying somthing rediculous. Or ignorant. And how about "the overlap", when both people speak at once...Oh dear god, unbearable! The phone is essentially a breeding ground for this sort of stuff....especially the overlap. Phones are the bain of my existance.
So, by having all this phone anxiety, I constantly create more stress for myself by alienating everyone with my rediculous phone issues, and then having to face them at some point and have an awkward conversation. AHHHHH... the ironic hell!
But, if you have ever gone out with me, and thought I had fun but are now questioning....I did. I always do. And I always say to my self, "self, that was fun. Not bad. I must do it agian. Maybe I am finally normal. Wow, I am so glad to finally be rid of that monkey."
Then the next opportunity arrises, and my heart starts beating........
6 comments:
I know exactly what you are talking about. That is why I like blogs and email, too. I have so much trouble meeting female friends and talking on the phone.
It's funny that you write this post. I always have so many people who I wish I could call and talk to, but I can't. The only people I can do that to are my husband and mother.
You're not alone!
Wow, I never would have guessed that, we had such a nice day together! I am intimidated by meeting new people, but once I get started, you can't shut me up!(as you probably know!) Let's meet again soon, we can set it all up through E mail, no phones!
Lisa
I make my husband call for take out...I screen all calls... My phone call return time is typically about 1 month.
I thought I just 'wasn't a phone person'
I spend entire afternoons rethinking comments that I have made on the phone or in person. so glad that I am not the only one.
SO all you need is practice. So when can we all go out to lunch again? We would love to see you all.
speaking of practice- I just bought Zack this ELMO phone-------hmmmmm not sure if that will work in your home!! smile but it could help! smile
Wow - the whole time I was reading this, I was thinking, "That's me!" I am exactly the same way. I hate talking on the phone! And I fully understand having to talk yourself into talking on the phone. I make my husband answer and make all phone calls, if possible. Unfortunately he usually tries to make me do it, to "get over the fear". You're lucky to have a hubby that understands!
My husband and I both hate talking on the phone. I think it ties in with hating to be put in situations where people expect us to act a certain way. How is it that, as a teenager, I would tie up the line for an entire evening?
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