I have been spending alot of time lately reading pretty amazing blogs.
Specificaly, the blogs of some incredible women who are also Korean adoptees.
These women are the same age as me, but have faced things in their lives which are similar to what my son Zack is bound to encounter. Racism, the search for identity in a culture, ethnicity, and a definition of family that fits their circumstances, among many other things which are very unique to the existance of an international adoptee. In my mind they somehow bridge a gap between my son and I. They are my peers in age, but my sons peers by circumstance.
At first, I had a hard time reading the posts which at times were resentful of their adoptive parents. They very often question the whole concept of interracial adoption and the motives of those who participate.
I found myself eager to defend the choices my husband and I have made about how to grow our family. But, then, I decided to put my feelings aside and just really hear what they all had to say. After all, isn't that what my son will need me to do for him?
What these women have to say is very hard for an adoptive parent to hear, but also invaluable. They told me my son's life will hold challenges that I can't understand. He will struggle with Issues of identity that I never will. I CAN'T give him what he will lose when he leaves his native country. He WILL lose a part of himself by being raised away from his culture. Those are facts.
Many people who read this will say, "But just think of what you will give him that he wouldn't have had." Obviously, on many levels I agree with that statement. I wouldn't have started this journey if I thought that my son would be worse off with us. But, the adoption is also for our benefit. We gain another child. Somthing we want. This is also a fact.
But, one of those facts does not cancel out the other. The fact that he will gain a family does not overwrite or justify the fact that he will also gain a lifelong struggle. Both of those realities will coexist in my childs heart. He will have a family. Have opportunities. Have Love. But, he will also have greif, have loss, have confusion, that those who he is closest to just don't have.
I am so greatfull to these women. I know that they write for their own reasons, not for me. But, I beleive that me and my family will benefit greatly from what they have to teach us.
I wanted to post links to these blogs, but unfortunately, in the short time I have been reading them the authors have been attacked by adoptive parents demanding answers, justification, even apologies for posts which have been challenging to read.
These Adoptive parents seem to feel the authors should give them answers. Tell them what to do differently. Justify their feelings.
How sad that they continue to be attacked for just being who they are....
Since I don't know everybody who reads my blog personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable potentially offering these women for more scrutiny. But, if you are an adoptive parent, I would strongly encourage you to seek out this other perspective, this challenging other side of the story of our children's lives. You and your family will only benifit from it.
Here's a link to an article which is very interesting....
And Here's Another.
(You have to log in for this one, but it is realy worth the 60 seconds)
5 comments:
Amanda,
Love the new look...These are hard things to read, but I agree that we as adoptive parnts need to. As an adoptive person myslef, I do understand the pain of losing a birth mother, but not the difficulties of growing up a differnt race than the rest of your family...I do think we need to listen and validate, not judge...
Lisa
All I have to say about your latest entry is... wow. It takes guts to put aside our natural tendency toward defensiveness in order to understand another person's reality. How wonderful that you are making your best effort to understand this reality for your son Zack's sake.
For what it's worth: I went to college with a fabulous woman of Korean parentage who was adopted by white American parents after her birth mother abandoned her in a phone booth as an infant. She had nothing but praise for her adopted parents (whom she referred to as her "real parents") for providing her with a loving home and life. Though she held no ill-will toward her birth parents, she said she never had the urge to meet or contact them since the parents who did the job were the ones with whom she bonded.
Your blog looks great!
I read (one of) the post of which you speak...
Here is my opinion:
This woman is entitled to her feelings and her opinions, but I think it is important to remember that this is HER experience, not a rule. It may or may not be the experience of our children. It is however, very important that we recogonize that our children have, for all they have gained, lost more than we can imagine and it is a loss that can't be measured.
I was saddened by some of the reactionary comments she received, but also saddened by her dismissal of the comments made by another adult Korean adoptee... she sort of flip-flopped the woman's words...
She is a wonderful writer and I will continue to follow her blog with interest.
Although I am not an adoptee, there are some similar issues that I had to deal with growing up b/c I am of a mixed heritage. My mother is from the Phillipines and my father is caucasian. I don't look like my father and people many times looked at us funny. I often had to defend my parents from people who said that what they did was wrong(marrying), and would often feel a sense of "where do I belong". I was not "full" filapino, nor what I full "white". But my parents raised me strong and I was able to deal with these issues. Parents whether biological or adoptive will have issue to help their children with. As an adoptive parent we must provide our children with the strength to handle these issues when they do come up. I think it's great that you are learning about all sides of the picture, and I think that b/c of this you will provide your child the strength that he will need to face this sometimes uncertain world.
love this post amanda! very inspiring and thought provoking---i spend a lot of time thinking about many of these same things....
thanks for posting!
Leah
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